I know I haven’t been checking in much, and really, I shouldn’t even be talking about “checking in”, I should just be there.
I’m sorry. Things haven’t gone or been the way I’d like them to be. Yet, even as I say that, I wonder how much truth lies in those words. ‘Cos I do have control, don’t I? Some measure of it, anyway. I get to choose, to a certain extent, how things turn out, how things go. So either I’m a schizophrenic and I make choices that conflict with what I want, or I don’t actually want things to be the way I say I want them to be. Whichever it is, it’s messed up. I’m messed up. I’m sure you can see that.
You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve done when I thought you weren’t looking. Then again, you would believe it. ‘Cos that’s just the way you are. Somehow, you take this mess of me and accept it. Love it, even. Love me. How? Why? Sometimes I just don’t get it.
It’s obvious things have changed. We aren’t as close as we used to be… It feels like you’re so far away. I want to tell you that I want you back, yet I know that it is I who has moved. You’re right here, just as you’ve always been. You gave me everything. Why was I not satisfied?
It’s times like these I wonder if things could ever be the same again. If I could ever feel the way I did with you again. How did I feel? It’s been so long I can’t even remember. Special, I guess. Loved. When you looked me in the eye, it was like I was the only one that mattered. It made me feel like you were interested in me and the crazy things that go through my head. It made me feel like, for the first time in a long time, someone actually cared. Like the random thoughts I think, the good ones, the bad ones, the inspiring ones, the shameful ones, the prideful ones, the evil ones, the ambitious ones…they mattered. You were the first one to tell me that the bad thoughts in my head didn’t make me a bad person. You also told me that nothing is impossible, and to keep dreaming. To not be afraid of what others think. Don’t be afraid to pick up that piece of trash, or help the old lady across the street, or give money to the poor. Don’t be afraid to buy a meal for the beggar on the street. You…I don’t know how you did it. You made me feel like I was more than just another face in the crowd. Like I was born for something bigger.
I miss you. I miss talking to you every day, every minute, all the time, telling you about what’s going on right there and then. I miss feeling the joy that radiates outward every time you smile. That joy gave me so much hope. With you, it always felt like there was hope. I miss coming home to you after a long day, just resting in your arms as though, for that moment, nothing else mattered. I miss the way you whisper softly in my ear, “I love you”. I miss being so sure of those words. I miss knowing that you’re there. I miss you, you know?
I wanna be with you again. I want to be that close again. I want to be yours. I know you’ll say I’ve always been, I never stopped being yours… But it’s hard to believe that, sometimes. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I’d be able to say that if I were in your position. And that seems unfair, somehow. Wrong.
But I should just be thankful, right? You don’t turn away a helping hand when you really need it, even if it does seem to be a one-way transaction. If you’ll take me back again, I’m there. I’m yours. You always tell me that love isn’t about keeping score. It isn’t about coming out equal. Maybe you can’t even quantify it – no one can love someone “more” than someone else. ‘Cos love just is. It’s just love. Love, or no love. That’s a hard concept to grasp, and I feel my mind wrestling with it right now, but…I’ve never known anyone else like you. And if that’s what you say, and that’s what I must believe in order to be with you again, to make this all right, then I believe it. I know you’ll help me to understand…
I have to be with you. Whatever it takes. I am the best that I can be when I’m with you. Because somehow, you take this mess of me and make it the best of me. No one else does that. I need you. I do. You are the only one for me, Jesus.