Exit(ing)

It’s always hard to say goodbye, even when you’re doing it so you can say hi to something better. But it’s always worth it, ‘cos God knows best.

It’s 3.22am, and I’m sitting here with an email fully typed out, waiting to be sent. I’m leaving an activity that I really enjoy, but more importantly, a group of people that I’ve really come to love. Why? Because I think that’s what God’s asking. He’s making it easy – there are lots of practical reasons in favour of this decision. But that only helps to a certain extent. It’s still difficult. It has to be.

I’ve agonized over this decision for about a year now, jumping back and forth, strengthening my argumentation skills and rationalizing different sides from day to day. I went before God with a heart split in two – wanting to obey Him and yet not wanting to say goodbye. I went, not really wanting to hear His answer. I’ve done a lot of running, Jonah style.

And now here I am, two days before the start of the new term, starving in the middle of a cold, wintery Michigan night. All that’s left to do is hit “Send”. Technology… Makes things so easy. So easy, it hides the weight of your actions. Perhaps my tired state is also to blame, but clicking that button right now seems like it wouldn’t change a thing. It’s just a tap of the finger, anyway. In the past minute alone, I’ve tapped my finger at least 20 times, whether in typing a letter in the domain of my right index ‘clicking’ finger or switching to another tab or window. No big deal. Such deception.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m dramatizing this a little too much. In a largely significant way, clicking that button won’t change much. The world will keep on spinning, and most people will be none the wiser.

I wonder what it means to God. He’s so big, in charge of the universe… There must be billions of fingers all over the world tapping shiny, sleek mouse pads and making changes in the digital world – changes that affect the physical world. How much does that affect the spiritual world? Seems like each individual click would be insignificant. But I know better than that – nothing is too small for God. Definitely not this.

God isn’t up there jabbing His finger at me, telling me what to do and where to go and etc. He’s guiding me, saying, “This is the way, my Child.” His way doesn’t always lead to greener pastures or tons of colourful flowers by the roadside – at least not at first glance – but He’s always there. He goes before me, and that’s reason enough to follow.

The hardest thing about these things is, we’re not always being led away from doom and disaster. Sometimes – oftentimes, I think – we’re being led away from what seems like a perfectly good thing. Something that might even constitute as part of God’s work. Surely, it can’t be so bad to stay.

But it isn’t really about the place, the circumstance, the situation, the thing. It’s about God. It’s about obedience. And obedience is about love. It’s not about trying to figure out which way is the best for us, though God’s way always is. It isn’t about what makes the most sense, what would be the most practical or economical or value-for-whatever.

It’s about this: Am I going to obey God or not?

That is the only thing that matters. Faith, not sight. Sometimes I think our eyesight’s too good. And we keep trying to improve it, too. We see so much – the luxury of choice that’s laid out before us. We make decisions with our eyes, instead of our faith.

But if you knew nothing about where you were, your situation, your choices… Would you follow God? Would you obey Him? I find myself saying yes, because I don’t know any better.

Well, the fact is, I still don’t know any better. I just think I do – and that’s the most dangerous part of it all.

We’ve got a wide range of vision. I think we need to learn to narrow it down. Look only to God. Look only for God. There’s so much to look at – not all of it bad, either. But we’re missing the point of everything, misusing the gift of sight, if we don’t keep our eyes fixed on Him.

I’m praying for blinders, just like a horse. I pray that my line of vision will lead me straight and only to Jesus. May I always, always search for You, God.

And just like that, the button has weight again. It holds all the significance in the world. It doesn’t represent my decision to leave the group. Rather, it represents my decision to obey my loving Master, and that’s a decision I’m glad to make.

Yeah, I just clicked it.

It’s always worth it, because God knows best.

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4 thoughts on “Exit(ing)

  1. Wow…Debbie you’re an amazing writer. And that’s beautiful. I definitely need to work on letting God guide me as well, even as I sit in the exact same position you were in while writing that piece. Thank you for this :)

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