There is so much to write on. But just a quick one for now.
I had a lengthy, extremely thought-provoking conversation with a couple of friends earlier tonight. It left me with a strong urge to pray, and so plan to pray, I did. Before I spent some time alone, however, I continued the conversation with one of them. Towards the end, the conversation turned to a question about a class we’re taking together. I have a love-hate relationship with that class, and for reasons I am unsure about, it causes me a lot of distress, just thinking about it. I don’t know why I am so afraid of it, but I am. Just thinking about it can often reduce me to tears, and it did tonight. That really frustrated me, because it was so silly! Why was I crying over this class?!!? What’s wrong with me?!?!
My friend urged me to go and pray, to which I responded, “I don’t feel like praying anymore”, which was the honest truth. I knew I had to, though, but as I procrastinated for the few more minutes that I allowed myself, I realized something.
I don’t think it’s surprising that I felt that way, or that instead of increasing my desire to run to God, I felt like staying there in my hole. It’s a human thing. Not a good human thing, but a human thing, nonetheless. At least in this instance, I think part of that reluctance was a feeling of “Argh. I had it so right… How come it messed up again?! Right at the last minute, something always goes wrong.”
And it struck me that that was just absurd! Okay, not so much absurd as completely missing the point. See, I was all ready to go to God in prayer, to be the great, successful, good Christian on her knees praying throughout the night for things of importance… But that’s dangerously close to it being all about me. Goshdarnit, this pride!
Isn’t it funny how quickly we label things as “wrong”? If we believe that God can use anything and everything to teach us and bless us, if we believe that God has a reason for everything, if we believe that He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him, shouldn’t we be far more careful to say that something went wrong? Whose standards are we judging by?
Thankfully, God gave me the strength to drag myself over, pick up my favourite uni-ball signo dx 0.38 black pen (a MUST) and start journalling. And, as is often the case, He showed me how wrong I was…
“You saved me, by allowing a curveball to be thrown at me. thank You for answering my prayer for humility… thank You for showing me that I needed saving (and continue to need saving)… You truly work in mysterious but perfect ways…”
Let me not be so quick to judge things. I don’t want to miss Him and what He has to say. I should really know better by now. God created paradoxes, contradictions, irony, all that jazz.
Just look at the cross! What seemed to humans like the biggest failure on earth was really the greatest victory the universe has ever seen. Thank God.