Thoughts On Being Used By God

“A saint is never consciously a saint – a saint is consciously dependent on God.”

– Oswald Chambers

I’m slowly recognizing that being too conscious of how God might use/be using me is something I should be wary of. More often than not, that shows that I am being enticed by fame or popularity, by the attention and approval of others. It is disguised with good – godly, even – intentions of doing God’s work, yet work that mentions Jesus but is not commissioned by Him is not, ultimately, what I want to invest in.

A few days ago, I wrote in my journal, “I don’t want my dream if it isn’t Yours.” And while I meant that as wholeheartedly as I could have in the moment, everything is more easily said than done. These short quips and tweetable statements are just the kind of things we like to grab on to these days. But are they just empty words? Do I really know what I’m saying? I pray they aren’t empty, and I pray I know what I’m saying. I’ve been realizing how easily enticed I am by the thought of popularity and being liked. It isn’t even fame per se – at least not on a huge, international scale. It’s just the thought that there are/might be people who like what I do, whether it’s music or writing or something else. I am too influenced by the crowd, and when I allow that to happen, I lose the ability to do what I do just because. Because it helps me be who I was meant to be.

I’ve been blessed with people who have, throughout most of my life, affirmed and encouraged my gift of music. Sometimes that has come in the form of statements like, “You should join Singapore idol!” or “You should cut an album. I’d totally buy it.” or “I’ll set up your fan club!!” And I thoroughly appreciate those sentiments. They have brought me much confidence and given me the encouragement I’ve needed to share and continue to share my music with others, which is ultimately what I love and want to do.

But I have also been caught up in those ideas of turning my music into something ‘more’ than what it is. It’s the temptation of doing something just because you can. It’s a business-like, consumerist mindset that I think is very prevalent in our world today, but one that is opposed to a mindset that places Jesus as King and Lord and Director over our lives. It’s looking at what you’ve got and saying, ‘hey, people have been telling me they’ve been encouraged by this. why not try to reach a wider audience so more can be encouraged?’ [edit] After publishing this, WordPress tells me,

AMPLIFY YOUR POST
Reach 1000s of new people on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and more — for free using Headliner.fm.
Promote This Now.

It’s almost as though it’s ridiculous to think that people could be writing for any reason apart from wanting to “reach 1000s” of people. And maybe it is – but more on that later. [/edit]

Large audiences, fame, popularity, etc. are not bad in themselves. I’m well aware of that. God has placed each of us in positions of influence – some bigger than others. But the keyword there is “God” – God has placed. He is the one who positions us. It is not for us to decide who our audience or where our influence will be.

Look at Jesus – He was bringing the Gospel, something that is undeniably good for everyone. If His goal was to bring the Gospel to everyone, shouldn’t He have jumped at every opportunity to share it with people? But He routinely withdrew from the crowds. He walked away from what business-minded, PR people would say were perfect ministry opportunities. “Jesus! What are you doing? Do you know how many people you could reach if you spoke at this event? Do you know how many views you could get? How many likes? How many souls could be saved?” But Jesus knew that His ministry wasn’t about the numbers. Yes, His goal was to bring the Gospel to the masses. But that goal, as with all goals, was (and is) subservient to the goal of listening to and obeying His Father.

Sure, maybe it’s God’s will to work through me somehow to reach a wider audience. But I want to be 100% sure of that before I make any attempts to do so. If not, there’s a 99.9% chance that I am doing it for myself, rather than for Him, no matter what I may tell myself.

Anyway, these musings are probably more for myself than anyone reading, but that gets at another thing. Why blog? Why write here, for others to see? As with music, I’ve been told by people multiple times that they like my writing, that it has blessed and encouraged them, and etc. Praise God. I’ve been told, “You should write a book!” and “You should be a full-time blogger!” just as with the music thing. But again, to get infatuated with the idea of turning it into something more than it is is dangerous. But if I’m not writing to try and win readership or anything like that, why write here at all? That’s a question I’ve come back to time and time again, probably because I so easily lose focus and let my eyes drift to temptations of popularity. It’s something that always seems hard to justify – if it’s not a focused, intentional area of ministry, then it must be simply attention-seeking.

But I want to believe it can be something in between. I’ve written about it already here and here and here, but to add a little to them, I think maybe it’s enough to say that I’ve learned a lot form others who have shared their thoughts with me, even when unsolicited, and while I’m not trying to write about any one thing in particular and I’m certainly no expert on anything in life, writing here is just about availing myself. We find community in the most unlikely places. We find connections when we aren’t necessarily looking for any, and if there’s one thing the internet is good for, it’s connecting people. So on the off-chance that someone finds meaning or encouragement in my sometimes incoherent and often lengthy ramblings and attempts to untangle the mess in my brain, great. And if not, I need to untangle the mess anyway.

So, again, I pray that this little space of mine here on the world wide web will, ultimately, not be mine, but God’s. That He will work through it – or not – as He wills, and that I will be so emptied of myself that I will not even be aware of Him using me, nor will it matter to me that I do not know. My security comes not from evidence that He is using me to reach others, but from the blood, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ on my behalf. I pray I will be so satisfied and secure in Christ – in the knowledge of His love and grace towards me – that I will not even need anymore evidence of His approval of me than what He has already said in His word. Perhaps that is what it means to have salvation by grace through faith alone. Being certain of that which I do not see – because the One who promises is faithful. The results are not mine to be concerned with – only that I work to put to death in me all that prevents me from complete and utter surrender to Jesus Christ my Lord and merciful Saviour.

I have a long, long way to go – yet by His grace, I will be held steady and remain standing until He returns to make me whole.

not just an emotion

Psalm 63:3 says:

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

Between the song and the verse and recent experiences in my life, this has been a pretty significant statement for me – Your love is better than life.

Here’s the thing, though: doesn’t it sound like a statement made based on emotions? A revelation at the altar, tears streaming down your face, suffering, yet hopeful, having been given assurance that God’s love is better than life. Something amazing happening, reminding you of God’s love. Something big, something noteworthy.

Those are the circumstances under which I’ve said this the most. And that isn’t wrong, it isn’t a bad thing. It just isn’t all there is to it.

It’s really simple, but it occurred to me the other day that the psalmist wasn’t just saying this because he felt joyful or peaceful or whatever emotion might prompt you to say something like this. He was declaring an eternal truth about God’s love.

Did you get that? Eternal Truth. ETERNAL TRUTH.

Language is awesome, but it can be so deceptive. Emotive statements are linked to emotions, which are fluctuating and unstable, changing all the time. That makes us subconsciously put those statements in that same category – inconstant. That’s dangerous, when it comes to truths about God.

God’s love is better than life. Always. Even when it doesn’t feel like it is. Even when I’m staring temptation in the eye and am about to reach out and grab his long, slender hand. (Don’t ask me why it’s long and slender. Poetic license.) God’s love is better than life, when it doesn’t seem appealing at all, when I want to do anything other than pick up a Bible or listen to more Hillsong or discipline myself to think thoughts that are true and noble and right and pure and lovely and admirable and excellent and praiseworthy. God’s love is better than life when people make me feel loved and accepted and my heart feels so gratified. It’s better when I am loving life and the way it’s going. It will always be better, because it’s truth, and truth is eternal, unchanging, unaffected by circumstance or emotion or anything else that fluctuates.

God’s love is better than life.

reminder to self

I love looking back on old pieces of my writing. Writing preserves a self. It’s interesting to see how I have or have not changed… They say wisdom comes with age, but sometimes it is our younger selves that remind us of that wisdom. I am learning to accept circumstances that are not mine to change, to not fear the unknown or uncontrollable, but walk head-on into that, for it is the only way to move forward.

University of Chicago
Extended Essay

Essay Option 1. “At present you need to live the question.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, translated from the German by Joan M. Burnham.
Inspired by Sarah Marikar, a third-year in the College.

As I sit down to write, my heart is filled with many questions, my life with much uncertainty, and a great sense of the unknown: I know not where I will be at this time next year – where I will study, what I will study, what I will be doing with my life, or whether I will even still have life. I have heard it said that life itself is one big question. Still, this unknown is not overwhelming, but, literally, great, for it is precisely this fact that makes life wonderful. It is the uncertainty and the unknown that provide the scope for excitement, for fear, and for a sense of awe. Just as the thrill and wonder of a magic trick lies in the not knowing, the thrill of life lies in this same absence of knowledge – the unsolved questions and mysteries. A mystery begets wonder. A question begets mystery. Our enjoyment of life lies in our capacity for wonder, made possible by the state of not knowing, and by the existence and persistence of questions, for then it is only by living out the questions that we find the answers.

On my way home today, I passed by a white tent lined with wreaths of flowers and standing sprays with cards expressing “deepest sympathies” and similar condolences. The juxtaposition of death with life is always striking, and funerals often serve as catalysts for contemplation. I was reminded again of the fragility of life, and the unpredictability of not knowing how much time we have left on this earth before we become a part of it ourselves. It could be years, months, weeks, days…  It could be this very instant. That would be one question answered, one answer found, but one we would arrive at only by living out our lives. Were there some way to stop time, we would never arrive at that day, and hence never find the answer. We might want to hit the pause button on life until we find all the answers. However, that is illogical, because we would find ourselves trapped in a static situation. What we have with us would remain with us and not increase, for our level of knowledge cannot possibly change if we are not ourselves experiencing and undergoing change. The only way to bring ourselves closer to the discovery of these answers is to live. Live the question and the answers will come.

It’s like taking a road trip, and getting lost. To allow oneself to be preoccupied with the destination would be to miss out on the full experience of the journey taken to get there. Instead, we must make the most of every moment, and experience everything to the fullest. Sometimes we get so caught up in finding the answers to our questions that we fail to appreciate the process of discovery and of learning. As any teacher would say, learning is about understanding, rather than simply knowing. If we had all the answers to life’s questions, what life would there be left to live? On the other hand, if we were to allow ourselves to be paralyzed by these questions, we would miss out on so much that life has to offer.

Instead, we must live the questions. We must confront life head on without fearing the unknown; embrace it and revel in the sacred state of not knowing, because it is then that we have cause for wonder. It is these questions that make life worth living, for the answer to the question of life is, simply, to live.

still not convinced

It’s a really silly thing I do, making excuses for not journalling when I’m being weird and melancholy, because, really, that’s what helps me to overcome it. It provides a release for the thoughts and emotions that otherwise remain trapped inside of me. Traffic jams and drainage blocks are never good for flow.

Yet, I run away from that, thinking that I can escape these thoughts and feelings some other way. Thinking that if I could just write a song or draw something or do something else amazingly creative, that I would be free. That’s silly because it’s only after I face up to myself in my journal that I am free to do those other things.

Or is it?

It’s sort of weird to think about. But I do think that for me, I need to write. And that in itself can be creative. I forget that, because I do not often believe it. It’s just words on paper, on a screen. Ordinary words that we throw around every day. What’s so special about a bunch of words? I submit tons of them to my professors each week. Creativity? It’s just homework.

But what if there were more to it? What if I was able to look at everything as having meaning, being intentional? How would that change things?

Dramatically, I suspect.

I’m sort of rambling here, instead of journalling honestly. Why do I do this? Am I afraid? What of?

There’s always that gap between who we think we are and who we actually are. But who gets to decide the latter? Friends? Family? You? God? How do you ever know?

There’s also that gap between who we are and who we know we can be. Oh boy. And you’ve got to get the timing just right. Not too fast, not too slow. Can’t run ahead, but don’t fall behind either. And only when you’re in the right place can you even begin to move towards that (elusive?) goal. It gets kind of frustrating.

But it’s all about self-control, isn’t it? Not for the sake of itself, but for something greater. But what? What is your something greater? What are you striving towards?

Perhaps I run because I am afraid that if I stop, the ground will open up beneath me and I will fall into that gap. One of those two gaps. Or both. They probably merge and become one big gap.

Perhaps I run because I am afraid that if I keep stopping, I will never get anywhere.

But perhaps by stopping, I progress. Because there’s no point in running if you aren’t going in the right direction.

And yet, even as I say this, I know that I will struggle with this for a long time. Probably the rest of my time on earth. Oh, to have the faith of a child.

what are we really afraid of?

*/edit: The author of that article has since made some edits and added notes at the end. Now I feel comfortable recommending it. Hurray! :)

I follow John Piper on twitter, and came across this post:

JohnPiper John Piper
Farewell Rob Bell. http://dsr.gd/fZqmd8

I thought Rob Bell had died or something, which would have been upsetting, but I followed to the link to something that upset me even more. It was an article on thegospelcoalition calling Rob Bell out as a Universalist and a servant of Satan. It isn’t a very long article, and you can read it for yourself, but the author was basically reviewing Bell’s new book, Love Wins: Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived, which isn’t even out yet.

To be fair, he acknowledges that fact, saying “I haven’t seen the book yet and was hesitant to say something based on the publisher’s description (which usually isn’t written by the author)”. But then he continues, “But this video from Bell himself shows that he is moving farther and farther away from anything resembling biblical Christianity”.

As of this moment, the article has been recommended on facebook by 2,619 people. I don’t plan on being one of them.

You’ll have to watch the video for yourself to see if you agree with me or not, but from what I saw and heard, Rob Bell made no definitive statements about what he believes. In his typical fashion, he asked provocative questions meant to inspire controversy and debate. Call it a marketing strategy, call it his style, whatever; the point is that he made no statements about his faith. I don’t understand how so many people, including the author of this article, can so confidently decide that he is not a “true Christian” (as though we could determine that).

Why so quick to judge?

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” – James 1:19

No one’s even read the book yet. I think the bigger question here – certainly, the one that deeply concerns me – is: Why do so many Christians feel such an overwhelming need to ‘protect’ ourselves from things that are deemed dangerous only through speculation? I say ‘protect’ because the form that that ‘protection’ takes is avoidance and, too often, condemnation.

We must guard our hearts and minds from wrong teaching and things that might lead us astray from God, yes, but we are called to be IN the world and not OF it, and what that means is that instead of shunning ‘worldly’ things and beliefs, we should engage them in debate and bring God into that discussion, not just stand at a distance and point and judge.

I’m not saying that Rob Bell is a great Christian. I’m not saying that he isn’t. I don’t think I can make that judgment. If the only way we know how to protect ourselves is by sorting everyone and everything into two categories, “good” and “bad”, I honestly think that we’ve got serious issues. We should know by now that things aren’t all black and white. That isn’t an excuse to dabble in the blacker side of things, but it is the reason why we should not be so quick to judge! Humans are the most complex beings in the universe, and I think I can safely say that all of us are, in some way, living double (or triple or quadruple or…) lives. It’s not as simple as saying “I am good” or “I am bad”, or “I am a Christian” or “I am not a Christian”. Christians often act like non-Christians, yet we do not (I hope) strike them off the list (which really shouldn’t exist) of who we can talk to and trust. We don’t, because we recognize that we ourselves continue to sin, yet at the same time, we are continually being saved, if we ask that of God (and confess and repent and etc).

So why do we continually try to sort the world into two categories?

I do believe that there are some things that are black and white, like the facts that God is real, God sent Jesus to die for us, Jesus rose again to life, we belong to God, He calls us His children, He loves us, He is good and faithful and merciful and gracious and eternal, etc. But people are never black and white, and if we believe them to be, we believe that they can never change, and that means that we don’t really believe in the fullness of God’s power and sovereignty, because God can do all things, including changing people.

Let’s stop being so afraid of things that might challenge our own beliefs and worldviews. If we are so afraid of them, perhaps we should check ourselves and see if we are really trusting God with our lives, because if we are, what is there to fear?

“If God is for us, who can be against us?” – Romans 8:31

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18

If we are continually renewing our minds in Christ, why do we fear others’ minds. If we have given ourselves and our minds completely over to Christ, why do we feel as though we need to take control and decide what we can be exposed to? Why do we feel as though we need to hide in our little Christian circles to protect ourselves?

I am not saying that we should dwell on these other, perhaps questionable opinions and beliefs. I am well aware that the Bible says:

“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

To “think” here implies a “dwelling”. The New Living Translation reads, “Fix your thoughts on what is true,…”. The Message says “filling your minds and meditating on…”. Meditating. That’s a good one. I’m not saying we should meditate on others’ beliefs – we most certainly should not. But it isn’t a binary here: it’s not between acknowledging it and ignoring it. It’s a spectrum that ranges from ignoring and not acknowledging it to meditating and fixing our thoughts on it. In between, we have things like acknowledging it, considering it, testing it against God’s truth, and I think that those are things we should be doing. Most things aren’t entirely good or entirely bad, save for God and His truth. Because we have God and His truth, we have a perfect standard to hold to. We can see what matches up to His perfect truth, and what doesn’t. We can engage with other beliefs because we just might find some good in it, even though other parts might be bad.

We are to be God’s hands and feet. How can we be of any use if we aren’t willing to get into the thick of things, and get ourselves dirty a little? Why are we so afraid of dirt when we have a God who cleanses us white as snow?

Weep With Those Who Weep

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep

 

Early in my pastoral ministry I received one of those middle-of-the-night telephone calls that every pastor dreads: “Pastor, our son has been in an accident. They don’t expect him to live. Could you please come to the hospital?”

I arrived at the hospital about one in the morning. I sat with the parents in the waiting room hoping and praying for the best but fearing the worst. About 4:00 a.m., the doctor came out to give us the worst: “We lost him.”

We were devastated. I was so tired and emotionally depleted that instead of offering them words of comfort, I just sat there and cried with them. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I went home feeling that I had failed the family in their darkest hour.

Soon after the accident the young man’s parents moved away. But about five years later they stopped by the church for a visit and took me out to lunch. “Neil, we’ll never forget what you did for us when our son died,” they said. “We knew you loved us because you cried with us.”

One of our challenges in the ministry is in learning how to respond to others when they honestly acknowledge their feelings. I find a very helpful principle in the conversations between Job and his friends. Job said: “The words of one in despair belong to the wind” (Job 6:26). What people say in an emotional crisis is irrelevant other than to convey how deeply hurt they are. We have a tendency to fixate on words and ignore the hurt. When grief-stricken Mary and Martha greeted Jesus with the news of Lazarus’ death, He wept (John 11:35). Paul’s words crystallize it for us: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). We are not supposed to instruct those who weep; we are supposed to weep with those who weep.

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/dailyinchrist/544834/

further thoughts on blogging

I have never believed in blogs that recount every happening of every day – that’s just not my thing. Works for some people, and that’s cool, but not me.

I am also not writing this with the view that I and I alone have the truth and I need to preach it to you here to save your sorry souls. I assure you that my sorry soul needs just as much saving, if not more, as yours does. I’m not here as the voice of truth – that’s Jesus’ job (and thank God!). I don’t have all the answers, or maybe any at all. I do not claim to be someone you should listen to or whose words you should even give your time of day. Let the mind of God be with you as you read, and evaluate what you read. I am just here to share my honest opinions on things. I’m just trying to be an honest, true Christian, as maybe you are. Does that mean I will succeed? Nope. But even if I am not the “perfect Christian”, I hope to be an honest person.

There is a great, great tendency to think that, because this is a public space, I must be writing for people. As with all attempts to do things for people and for their approval, however, that just gets confusing and messy. So I just thought I’d say here that I am not writing for people. I am not writing this for you. If you benefit from it, by God’s wonderful grace, then praise God! I praise Him right along with you. But even if you don’t, and no one else does either, this blog will continue, because – as selfish or self-absorbed as this might seem – I write for me.

We live in an age where the internet, the biggest public arena, has become a place where people share their lives. It is now much more common – though not necessarily acceptable – to share one’s life with a complete stranger, over this mysterious invention known as the World Wide Web. As with everything in this world, that can be a good or bad thing. The internet can be used for good or evil. There are grave dangers along with the many benefits that come with the internet. But the internet is the reality of the generation that I am a part of, and while this means different things to different people according to the different convictions God has placed in each of us, I believe that to be “in this world but not of it”, for me, means to boldly add my voice to the millions of others in this public domain.

We cannot make a difference by keeping to ourselves, commenting among ourselves of the state of things in our world – whether that world be within the Church or outside. In order to make a change, we have to get into the middle of the dialogue, be an involved party, and boldly state our claims as we listen to the claims of others around us. If we believe that what we believe is true, why should we be afraid to talk to others who don’t believe the same things we do? How else will we make an impact?

But I digress. You are entitled to your own opinions on every word that I write here. I don’t claim to be right. I’m just sharing my honest thoughts on things that come to my mind because I believe it my duty to share those thoughts – writing is just one way of doing that. Of course my hope for this, and all things, is that God’s glory would somehow be revealed. But even that, I believe, is entirely God’s prerogative. I will be faithful with what He’s given me, and what God chooses to do with that is completely up to Him.

early life crisis

I must confess that I’m not sure what I aim to achieve, if anything, with this blog. It is very early on in its life, but that is perhaps the best time to evaluate this – before these words multiply and spiral out of control in a tangled, indecipherable mess.

With the steady increase in arrests over things written on public forums such as blogs, not at all unlike this one here, some would say that it is better not to write publicly at all. Others would criticise that as simply taking the “safe” way out. Personally, I wouldn’t subscribe exclusively to either one of those views, because in my opinion, neither one is entirely sufficient in answering the question of whether or not I should blog. What is, then?

Questions almost always lead to more questions, and I think the question to ask in this case is: Why blog? Why should I put my thoughts – or whatever I’m putting out there – out there for all the world to see? There are many bloggers who use these blogsites simply because they’re there, with no real articulated purpose, and I am not, in any way, trying to say they’re wrong in doing that. But I’m the sort of person who needs to have a purpose for the things I do. Hence this entry.

So: Why blog? Here are some reasons why I think various people blog:

1. Because they think they have something worth sharing — Is it presumptuous and arrogant to assume that?
2. Because they want to get lots of readers and become famous — Not me.
3. Because it’s easier than physically writing all their thoughts out — Yes, but there’s still the question of why go public?
4. Because it’s a good platform for the exchange of ideas — Yeah, I suppose so, but this is more of a bonus than the reason to start blogging, at least for me.

But see, no one of those reasons on their own is enough. Not for me, anyway. But perhaps I am just being human and forgetting God. I believe in most cases, quite possibly including this one, a decision must be made not between right and wrong but between right and right or good and good. Sometimes, that is good and better. But sometimes, I think we get identical twins. Good and good. And in times like those, we just have to make a decision and stick to it, until told otherwise. (More on decisions in another post…)

So back to the question. Why blog? When I started this blog (not too long ago), I did up the “about” page: you can see it here. That, presumably, is meant to sum up the answer to this question. My answer to this question. Because the question did actually precede the birth of this blog, though I am asking it once more now. So what did I say? Essentially:

1. I need to write. It’s how I understand God, myself and the world around me. Writing helps me to think and process things, and I believe that that is part of what it means to “love the Lord your God with…all your mind”.
2. As much as I love handwriting things, it is difficult to have everything handwritten, because it simply takes too much time. Typing is a lot faster.
3. Since I’m gonna be typing my thoughts out here, and I am far from being perfect or having perfect knowledge or anything like that, if there is anyone reading this, I believe we would both benefit from exchanging opinions and ideas (in a respectable manner of course).

So why am I second-guessing myself now? If I concede that not all the questions raised above (in the first list – sorry, disorganised and confusing, I know) can or need to be answered to satisfaction… I think it is because I have allowed other concerns to enter. Other purposes that I did not set out to fulfill.

You see, with almost anything, there are many benefits that can come. But when you set out to do something, you have certain purposes in mind, and anything else that comes along is bonus. At least, that’s how I think it should be. I think that when other things come into play – things that weren’t initially on the cards – that’s when things get confusing. It gets confusing because you’re suddenly confronted with so many things that all seem good and you don’t remember why you weren’t embracing them in the first place. It gets confusing because everyone has different purposes that can be fulfilled with that one same action or activity, and there is no reason that they should not all be fulfilled, yet they cannot all be fulfilled, or it just doesn’t sit well with you that you try to fulfill them all. I realise this is a confusing, vague paragraph, but I’m too lazy to change it. My confused, vague brain understands it, and for now, that’s all that matters.

Basically, I started to worry. Perhaps fear a little. What should I write here? How censored should it be? What topics are considered sensitive and controversial? Should I then stay away from them? Might I get arrested? What kind of things do I want to write about here? Thoughts on the Christian life? On worship? What kind of tone do I want to be using? How much of my life do I want to reveal here? Should I try to preserve anonymity? But I’m gonna pass this on to friends who know me, right? It feels like I am being dishonest if I consciously try to hide my identity. I also feel like that would inevitably make my writing pompous and stuffy and uptight, because when I write as I love to, I exist in the words, and suppressing signs of who I am would mean the writing would change, and that’s something I’m not willing to compromise. Write honestly, or don’t write at all.

So (I’ve started one too many paragraphs in this entry with “so”) perhaps I have my answer then. A great deal of the confusion, I think, comes from this blog being a new one. It makes me feel as though I must make it different from my old, which I am not retiring just yet. What belongs here and what belongs there? You see, I think of this blog as the ‘wise’ one, where all my thoughts and reflections that are deemed useful to others go. But I cannot find peace with this idea – and perhaps it is just me, but I cannot separate one thing from another. It feels like cutting myself into pieces. For every conclusion reached has a story behind it. And that story is as much a part of the conclusion as the conclusion itself. The picture feels incomplete without the backstory. So perhaps I should make no such distinction between blogs. Perhaps I should just write. Either here or there. Doesn’t matter which one. What matters is that I write, because writing is the way in which I am made to see what God has been doing in my life and the world around me, and silly blog worries are not worth missing out on that.

A final thought/disclaimer: I am just sharing my life here. You need not (and probably will not) agree with everything that I say, and you are, of course, entitled to your opinions. You are most welcome to share them, because disagreement is a large part of how we learn. I will respect your opinions, and I simply ask that you respect mine. I do not claim to be right all the time or to have all the answers. I’m not better than you. I’m not here to preach at you. I’m just sharing my thoughts, and the things I’ve been learning along the way. Whether you are frequenting this page or simply passing through, I appreciate it and pray that these words would be inspired only by the Holy Spirit and that they would not lead you astray, but closer to Him who loves us. (:

Need help? Know God.

I recently read this article by Kevin DeYoung.

You should read it, but I thought this was the crux of it:

It’s amazing how few of us talk to each other about God. Not about church or about being a Christian, but about God. I’m not sure if we are scared of being irrelevant, or scared of being too spiritual, or if we just plain don’t think that knowing God will help much of anything–but for some reason our initial reaction when friends are struggling or suffering or wrestling with temptation is to tell them about something other than God.

The power comes from God. The power to lift someone out of depression. The power to turn sorrows into joy, mourning into dancing, to replace a crown of ashes with a crown of beauty, to lift spirits, to take an angry man and turn him into a peaceful one, to take a violent man and turn him into a gentle one, to take a girl who hates herself and use her to bring healing to others, …

We can know all God’s ways and what He says about things… But if we don’t know God, that power is severely limited.

What you and I need most is not the affirmation of our stories, nor content-less, shapeless platitudes about the mysterious journey of faith, nor a morality pep talk, nor the undermining of God’s sovereignty. What we need is a glimpse of God in all his terrible splendor and wonderful weightiness.

So true. (: